20 mars 2008
Lollipop
Lollipop
Video sent by Tyler_yj
In the midst of Easter.....puts a smile on my face
“There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.”Tennessee Williams
Moved out of my childhood house last week, walls, rooms, souvenirs rippling across my face as I walked the corridors and gently murmured to myself. Furniture has not been packed yet and I imprinted a mental image of it all, desperately trying to hold on for as long as I could, catch every colours, every details forever. I was born in that house. I got stung by my first bee in that house.
I know every bolts, every cracks of this house. I know on which steps to stand to avoid making noises while climbing up the stairs at night. I know too much. I know where the pear tree used to stand majestuous in the middle of the lawn, whereas nowadays a smelly bush has replaced it. I still grieve one of the cherry tree that we had cut down a few summers back, it used to reach my room and I could grab the branches and pluck riped cherries in between my breaks from school. I can remember me and mein schatz, puss tri-coloured who adopted us, came one day and stayed, running round and round the house playing wolf or lying on the shedsunroof observing people walk past in the street from our high perched position. the smell of roses, lilac and my afternoons lying in the grass reading, daydreaming under the vine gently rocked by the bees buzzing in the grapes. I remember bbq's, parties, b'days in the cellar at 14-16 with the boys, I remember sundays and sitting by the fireplace or going for walks with the dogs in the woods nearby.
I come from Paris, the suburbs, but I realise that this place was out of the ordinary. A safehouse,a green pasture amongst the tarmac, noise and filth. 3 km from the city but still in nature. I am grateful for having grown up there, grateful for understanding cities yet aware I do not belong there or with the people who live in my hometown. I never fitted and having met oncemore 50 to 60 odds aquaintances, neighbours, friends during our goobye/atticsale day I have never felt better about who I am. God I would not give anything to be 17 again, EVER....There was a relief for having moved on but a regret for leaving this house.
The weirdest thing is that everytime I will come ''home'', well where I grew up, Paris, I will expect unconsciously to be able to sleep in that house, a bed, instead of visiting friends. I guess you learn to let it go and if you can't write a book.
13 février 2008
For the creativity in you
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23 janvier 2008
“Imagination is the beginning of creation" George bernard Shaw
Life has treated me fairly in the past few months and I surprisingly see a pattern in two opposite shifts. The first is linked to sickness and death and has spread a dark web among my family, it leads me to remembering that time is precious and to visit those loved ones instead of waiting for an easier time, a better time. The second, is a cloud of success which seems to touch, again, closed ones. Is it global awareness?
So yes I am happy, I value the people in my life, the new ones and I try to let the old ones know that they are precious to me, whatever the distance. Strangely there is hundreds of you on my mind lately. My extended family who lives in Danemark, Florida, Western Norway that I have not seen in 2-3 years. My primary school friends who are all having children now and all the others, the land-lubbers, settled monkeys in a growing forest. How can I keep in touch truly, share your life while being miles away? I don't know really.
My new job is surprisingly easy to get into and within 2 days I was back to my oldself, the crazy one with non stop energy, sleeping max 7 hours, getting up at 06:30. It is surprising how much you can do when you are active whereas inactivity spurrs inactivity and procrastination.
Going back to the GYM, starting Pilates, and beleiving I have the nerve by joining a project of like minded people to get that creativity flow spinning is a good start to this New Year. And you what have you started lately?
15 janvier 2008
Happy New Year
Down in Germany again after x-mas in France, hoping round visiting family and lost friends in the south and the Alps, Re-connecting. Visiting mountains for 2 days is what REALLY made me relax and recenter. Picture, high pointy snowtops and wooden chalets, sun reflecting on the white snow , the air crisp and fresh and the company of 3 beautiful mountain soul, my cousins. Nature, wild nature brought back to my mind How we have made ourselves into abstraction.
Having what is considered a normal life, urban lifestyle, makes me releaved as I can fit into the system; though a temporary process in my case means to an end, especially because I love the people and the work I do but time flies faster since I have a 9 to 5. Time is what I lack currently. When I had no money I had time, now that I have this abstract currency I don't. Guess it is all a question of what you desire to prioritise in your life.
Take a paper and write down everything you had wanted to do, learn, achieve on the left, then everything you actually did on the right over the past year. Did you miss out ? Did you forego dreams? In my case the list on the left is incredibly long and the one on the right, well...reasonably satisfying but...could do better. I guess my expectations are always so high I can rarely reach them. So I have a simple resolution for this New-Year :"finish what I start". I am the queen of unfinished projects by mainly fear of failure and not achieveing a good enough end-result (based on my own critical self-judge). I love to start things, I have hundreds of ideas, too many projects. For now I focus on my health, regular Pilates, stretching, rowing, 3 to 4 times a week, add the big boat project, sorting out 5 years of digital pictures, sprinkle with reading, stir well and voila....
25 septembre 2007
“The darkest thing about Africa has always been our ignorance of it.”
Sitting quietly in a haze of suitcases opened , dark wodden bowl, necklaces, carvings on the floor and slowly realising I am back...3 days in Europe and Africa is still on my mind. I was in Cameroun for 6 weeks, in Douala. The entire trip was business and the outcome is positive but in the process I have had to experience another dimension of life, ponder and think about why we are here, what are my values, how can I fit in this world, how will I live the rest of my life. Deep questions, simple questions and also take responsibilites I did not want. I got told I would have to go back, only if I want to of course I have a choice.
The african family is elastic. You are part of a tribe, your family, values are set, you take care of your kid's brother or cousin if one of them die, it is the unwritten law, an unwritten truth that you live by, in return you get an unconditional support, an unconditionnal love, a recognition. You are not valued through your work but through your social relations and expressing yourself is essential, if you lie, twist the truth in the process well as long as it fits your own agenda why not. People don't think long turn, they can't, they don't have enough money to do that so they size the day, carpe diem is fully understood there, they also laugh more then us, they share stories, discuss all aspects of their lives in a merry and simple atmosphear, men and women alike. it makes our world seem baren and cold in comparison, living in our little bublles protected from others at all time, building a fortress of cards made of money, fear. Having less means often having more. I can't truly put it into words. I can only look back and in retrospect take into my life what I have seen of value, try to integrate it into an everyday full of emptyness too often, where you drown yourself in useless activities to forget why you are, who you could be if you gave yousrself a choice.
04 août 2007
The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
06:30 AM,Windmills, Red bricks, edged roofs, black and white shaved sheep's shadows printed over the sky who seem to worship the sunrise in a city of angel like manner; their heads turned toward the big disk, or lamas too to my dismay, as I drive to work in the mornings.
The setting is lovely, the hotels are comfortable and I am adjusting relatively fast to this new stage. The small village where I am based is lying on the West side of the Ijsselmer, the biggest artificial lake of Holland. At night I go walking along the waterfront or the marina, it is a sailor town, hundreds of sailing boats, new and old, barges or typical tall ships are resting for the summer, lying in the varied marinas. I can't help but be fascinated by them while I am working. I stare outside the window of the boat, escaping my computer screen and dreaming of sailing soon, joining them.
The work in itself is simple, measure depth and update computers of 2 to 3 boats. I had 5 days to learn the software ad my teachers were not the best but then who is. Human nature and behavioural pattern is fascinating and I have to get used to the small bickering and soap opera of large corporations. I work on a boat allday, swaying back and forth while processing and editing data, it is stangely a perfect fit. I love it even if it is a man's world, a builder's world and no girls are part of this except one and myself. So I suffer silently the under the belt jokes and wear baggy clothes. On my way back to the office, on land, I sing out loud in the car and around 18-19, I walk to the small gym where my work manager goes too, a cheap 80's looking tin roof building, bodybuilders and boxers hide out, no females again. A simple life but that I started to like, as I got to go home every friday night for the week-end.
I even took the time to drive to the beach Callant soog ,35 minutes away, a small village with sand dunes contrasting with the flat surrounding landscape, my heart rushed and pounded as I layed eyes on those fleating shapes, I could feel a hapinness unknown simply because of those hills imprinted on my retina. I walked for 2 hours, wind rushing in my hair, clouds hovering menacing, an accalmy of sun after the downpours of the last few days. As the sun set, I simply wished I could live here for ever, get a house behind the dunes and come back from work to fly a kite high in the air, be mindless as a child for a few hours. For now I will move from one hotel to another every week for the next month. An adventure of it's own.
And in a flash, after a phone call, this paradise will be taken away from me... I experienced a sense of utter freedom, accomplishment that I hadn't felt since Alaska. An old self who had been emprisonned and starved for 2 years was out again, hair flying in the wind, soul roaring. Now that he is out, he won't disappear but I will miss this place regardless. I have another 3 days there, time to train, take pics and release it all to the wind.
So where am I headed to now will you ask? Cameroon, Douala, West Africa for a month from the 13th. Auspicious date, not that I am superstitious but flying on a 13th is not necessarily what I would have chose. Will spend summer under heavy clouds, mud as it is moonsoon season, in a big city and I am not pleased, if I had had a choice I would have stayed where I was but ehhhh always dreamt of going to west africa so......things comes in the strangest ways, be careful what you wish for:) it might come true when you elast expect it!!!!!
P.S. Espen is alive and well....if you are worried for lack of news, pls send money, I will update then:)
10 juillet 2007
“To have another language is to posses a second soul.” Charlemagne
I admit I have a headache, my mouth hurts but I did read and translate the first two pages of the Ugly duckling or as they say around here, '' Het Kleine Lelijke Eendje'' pronounced in English/French phonetic '' Hét Kline Layleuke Heendhyeu''. Estelle 1 point!!!!!!!!
Farmhouse living
Our office is a shelter of green foliage, rose bushes ensnarling walls and fences, birds nesting everywhere and rooster and peacoks cokoodledoing and quirking allday long. An animal sanctuary lays 400 metres away composed of birds, goats and bambis, it is a pleasure for me to drive past it everyday. Occasionally I give up my lunch apple to feed the deers after work and love gazing into their dark eyes while they fearfully tear pieces of it away from my hand. Any occasion, passing an exam, having your birthday, getting a new boat is an excuse to eat. The person celebrating buy the cake(s) and then around 10 someone shout CAKE and everyone meet in the kitchen to share. Another interesting event is Fridays. On friday the company feeds you, at 12 you are gathered oncemore and served soup, so far I have tasted Asparagus and bacon soup, chinese cabbage soup and last week Pea soup; then at 16, you join your fellow co-workers to eat cheese and sausage with beer or soft drinks!!! The building reminds me of Gamle Ormelet. It is an old 17th century farmhouse. The office is the farm made out of red bricks and we work under the rooftop, hydrographers high in the air while the land surveyors live on the ground floor. The main building is the conference quarters whith dining rooms, bedrooms and fancy paintings hanged in the corridors. Cristals chandeliers, spiderwebs, creaking old planks, I walk in and am transported into another century. Of course it isn't that often I get to go into the main building and soon enough i will be send to live in hotel rooms far away but I enjoy the possibility while it is at hand to smell and appreciate those surroundings. In this century of corporate living my life would appear to you as an outstretched reality:) Guess it is.
Working for the Dutch has been so far, a rather interesting experience. There is a side to them I can't explain but they are most definitely on the verge of having scandinavian background of course you should never tell them that. Language wise ( how to butcher a perfectly normal word in 1000 ways) it's another matter. I am getting my first pronunciation lesson today and have mixed feelings about the potential outcome. I mean learning to speak like that, make those sounds....is scary to say the least. Any linguists would be in awe at learning italian or swedish but dutch..... Just kidding, after all it's only another language.
01 juillet 2007
Reality bites
Last night was yet another birthday, I felt like staying home, watching the stars come out but I took my car and drove in town to stay over in my friend's flat; her being away for the week-end and all. Met new people, will do the same tonight, coming out of my shell, first steps of my 29th year. I hope for this year as an under 30 to be like that film, my favorite of all times, Reality Bites, caustic, full of sarcastic philosophical questions and unridden truths, yet, simple and fair.
Back from the meeting with the couch surfing and hospitality club in a Parc next to a lake, barbequing and sitting in front of a fire, drums and guitar, 12 people were left from the 40 gathered . Rain stopped and weather cleared small miracle after a week of downpours. Meeting new people without other half always amases me, the main reason is that people behaviour often evolve throughout the evening when they realise you are married, and I am not talking about men I am meaning litteraly in the most general way you can, it is as if they put you in that little box, categorised as married, boring, children, house and stability. Being married doesn't mean you are not you or have lost yourself in someone. It means sharing a life while retaining your integrity and purpose, being free of thoughts and moves but sharing the everyday with someone you trust and carefor.
I met some great people, a few of them live in the biggest residential squat of Holland that became legalised in the late 80's . A wonderful community, Artwork painted everywhere, cinema, bar and pub, plus roof terrace and bicycles lining up against every piece of wall available.It is a mini city in the city....next time I will take pictures and show you. For now, time to sleep.
