‘A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.’ Robert A. Heinlein
Tornadoes, tsunamis of goals are spreading in my office, looking me in the face everyday. Staring with their black little eyes and asking me to choose. Choice is what our lifes are reduced too, conscious choices. Yet why reduced? A life embodied by Choices, conscious and soulful, is well worth living or dying for, at least worth experiencing. I think Deadlines should do it for me. I have one for a documentary script in 2 weeks and one for the boat in 3 weeks. If I don't follow through well...I will have sabotaged my first step reaching that goal.
Stevepavlina blog is a great resource where I head to when feeling like giving up. Who wouldn't recognise oneself in that quote:
'' how do you respond to this ornery voice that won't shut up? What do you do when confronted by that gut feeling that something just isn't right in your life? What's your favorite way to silence it? Maybe drown it out by watching TV, listening to the radio, working long hours at an unfulfilling job, or consuming alcohol and caffeine and sugar.
But whenever you do this, you lower your level of consciousness. You sink closer towards an instinctive animal and move away from becoming a fully conscious human being. You react to life instead of proactively going after your goals. You fall into a state of learned helplessness, where you begin to believe that your goals are no longer possible or practical for you. You become more and more like a mouse, even trying to convince yourself that life as a mouse might not be so bad after all, since everyone around you seems to be OK with it. You surround yourself with your fellow mice, and on the rare occasions that you encounter a fully conscious human being, it scares the hell out of you to remember how much of your own courage has been lost. '
No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions to avoid facing what you feel in those silent spaces between your thoughts. Either exercise your human endowment of courage and progressively build the strength to face your deepest, darkest fears to live as the powerful being you truly are, or admit that your fears are too much for you, and embrace life as a mouse. But make this choice consciously and with full awareness of its consequences. If you are going to allow fear to win the battle for your life, then proclaim it the victor and forfeit the match. If you simply avoid living consciously and courageously, then that is equivalent to giving up on life itself, where your continued existence becomes little more than a waiting period before physical death - the nothing as opposed to the daring adventure.
Don't die without embracing the daring adventure your life is meant to be. You may go broke. You may experience failure and rejection repeatedly. You may endure multiple dysfunctional relationships. But these are all milestones along the path of a life lived courageously. They are your private victories, carving a deeper space within you to be filled with an abundance of joy, happiness, and fulfillment. So go ahead and feel the fear - then summon the courage to follow your dreams anyway. That is strength undefeatable.''
So my little week of calmness was not so calm after all. I ended up turning upside down my life, analysing and mingling with people instead of sitting quietly at home with 2 or 3 of those black eyed goals and going through my list one step at a time. Reduced to inaction but induced to socialise. I haven't learn to set limits as for saying no. Learning that having boundaries doesn’t mean people won’t love you and most will respect you more if you respect your own needs. You can tell a lot about people if d they respect your needs. The relationship will grow if everybody is asking and negotiating what they need. JOY!!!!
As for duty, I need to learn to set boundaries and expectations up front because I do not like the mess of dealing with renegotiating them later. Sometimes I know full well that the other party is creating an alternate reality, but as long as I’ve spoken my truth I have a clean conscience. There is no discerning duty without a clean conscience. Speaking my truth is less then easy but I will try to do so in the coming weeks.